Breaking News Report 11-THUNDER DOME
Monday, July 4th, 2011Welcome back to channel 15 K-U-M at seven o’clock and happy 4th of july to you all, I am James Christian. Tonight, I am sad to report that the Baby Batter Killer has struck once again, this time in a sleazy motel outside Mesa, Arizona. We go there live where Brandon Kyle the epitome of fail is waiting for us. Brandon, can you hear me?
~Brandon~ Yes James I can hear you and might I say that shit eating grin really highlights your face today especially with the brown marks from slurping your bosses ass flavored slurpee earlier in the evening. We are standing outside La Quinta Inn in Mesa, Arizona where a midget hooker by the name of Too Tall has been murdered. According to the Mesa P.D. there was video footage found and we will show you that now.
~Brandon hits play on the video~ As you can see, the midget is being spun like a helicopter atop the baby batter killers crank, which I can only imagine is turning his penis into a form of swizel stick or crazy straw. It looks like a real Tilt-A-Whirl in the bedroom but as you can tell, you cannot see his face as he is wearing a scarf across his face like a Jihadist raping a donkey and not wanting to be identified if caught.
~James~ Dude, seriously, we cannot be showing this on live television. Do you want to get me fired?!
~Brandon~ Why yes I do because then I could take your job and actually do it justice compared to your failures of bastardizing the position by sleeping with your boss who so happens to be your mom. Wait! Wait! This is the good part. With one final spin of the leg like a handle on a safe he blows his load and you see the acidic spooge of madness spray from her eyeballs like a fountain of blood and gore. You can also hear the baby batter killer scream “WELCOME TO THE THUNDER DOME BITCH”! Of course that is him just reciting lines from a movie, and again, no fingerprints were found at the crime scene and only thing we have going for us is the voice recognition of his amazing explosion and movie reciting.
~James~ A-Asshole, my mom is not the boss, my dad is, and B!
~Brandon~ So you had your dad’s ass slurpee today? I don’t know if that is worse then your moms, but whatever floats your boat and stays between the family.
~James~ NO NO NO NO NO NO you ambiguously gay herder of cock I do not sleep with my parents!
~~Brandon~ I never said you did, I just love to see you get all excited like this midget did when she thought she was going to fly to the second ball to the right and straight on to her pay day. Any way, from Channel 15 this is Brandon Kyle telling you all that if you see a guy who looks like that asshole on your screen named James, stay far far away like Neverland cuz he very well might finger your butt hole. I’m out!
~James~ I really wish you would just fall off the center of the F*CKING PLANET YOU ASSHOLED……
~James Mom&Dad~ James Monroe Christian, get off that television right now so I can wash your mouth out with soap!
~James~ Yes mom and dad I’m sorry.
~Brandon~ HAHA BITCH!!! (Screen Goes Black)
By: Kristian J. Hanson