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Welcome to Breaking News Report on Channel 15 the network that makes you K-U-M, my name is James Christian and this is the news now. Tonight in a small town of Casa Grande Arizona there has been an eye witness report and capture of a Chupacabra aka the Goat Sucker. For many of you who do not know the history it is believed to be an alien life form that sucks the life out of the creatures or as I call it, the Brandon Kyle since all he does is suck things like cock. We now go live to Brandon, Brandon are you there?

Yes James unlike your mother I will never leave you, but then again, you are a worthless piece of carnie poop so I’d probably abandon you on the side of a tilt a whirl too. Anyways, the chupacabra or as I call it The James Christian, cuz well, you blow goats and I have proof, has been captured. I am standing here next to Caley who has been with us one time before. She is like a carnie freak show magnet, first Big Foot, now this, whatever.

~Brandon~ Caley how did you catch it exactly?

~Caley~ Well, my cousin aka my husben decided to done move from dat trailer in Apache Junkchen cuz everyone kept trying to steal my man! No one steals my famlee from me especially my cuzin who done kisses me da best!

~Brandon~ That’s all nice and good, but how did you catch the Chupacabra? By the way I love the missing front tooth, its sweet.

~Caley~ Why dank ya, maybe when we done here I can show you my chupacabra if you know what I mean.

~Brandon~ I think I do and no I don’t want to. James likes freak shows with missing toofs though, so maybe we can invite him to meet your ummm chupacabra.

~James~ What was that?

~Brandon~ Nothing you worthless Helen Keller asshat, continue with your story.

~Caley~ So there I was sitting on my portable porch having some meth when I saw this creature dry humping the neighbor who was passed out from the meth lab explosion from his trailer. So I went and got my leash I use on my cousin for the sex and went behind it like my daddy used to do to me and then threw it around its neck and put it in the cage by my house that we put my son in when he is acting a fool with his sister in the bad no no area.

~Brandon~ Your family seems to have a lot of….love in it, I thank you for the interview and how you caught the…OWW! Mam, please do not pinch my ass.

~Caley~ That wasn’t me, it was the Chupacabra, it just sucked on your ass pipe

~Brandon~ Umm, wow, I am not going to live this dow…..

~James~ Not the first time you’ve had something with a penis suck your ass before huh you big flaming homosexual!

~Brandon~ I am officially done for the night, I need to go get a rabies shot like when James mother tried to sit on top of me and smother me like the fat ass mongoloid beast she is. Seriously, how did your daddy get her pregnant with you? Did he load up a super soaker 9000 and spray her from a distance! This is Brandon Kyle signing off!

~James~ Well, that was a pleasant interview with our locals from Casa Grande and the incest ways that go with it I guess. With Brandon gone I get the final word for once with his ass being sucked out like a slurpee in the hands of a gay guy in West Hollywood, I wish you all a goodnight from KUM channel 15.

~Brandon chimes in just before the screen goes black~ By the way James I F*cked your mom!

~James~ God DAH (Screen Goes Black)

By: Kristian J. Hanson

By Adam Damron  

Last night I finely did it I closed my eye and pulled the trigger. It seemed like a hours the bullet bounce around in my head  be for I fell to the floor and on down into the pits of Hell where I saw a man standing there waiting for me. At first I was thinking how can a mans eyes be so bright red when he lives in the darkest pits of Hell. Then it hit me right in the head much like the bullet did just moments ago. I was standing face too face with the devil in the flesh. He looked me in my eyes and said.

“What are you doing back here so soon?”

I said

“Back here? Hell this is my first time being here tell me what do you mean?”

He said

“ It was over 100 years ago when you first got here. You ask of me too make you one of my demons and so I did. Then you asked of me too put you back on earth too curse the world with more demons and so I did. Then you called out my name and got my help too show man how too make weapons or war and so I did. See I have helped you bring country’s to war, men to death, women too be raped, fathers and sons too fight, people too kill each other, and take there own lives. Much like you did tonight now the only thing I can do is too put you back  on earth to bring out more Hell.”

And with a snap ofhis fingers I was picking myself up off the floor and then I just knew I was damned too walk this earth……My own Hell for the rest of time.

 Let me know what you think of my story my Twitter is @DevilMan41501

Thank you for tuning in to another Breaking News report on Channel 15, your KUM network for news. Tonight we have another tragedy to report, but this time in the rich area of Scottsdale Arizona. I will go live to the in grown ass hair himself, Brandon Kyle, Brandon can you hear me?

            Yes James I can hear you loud and queer. That’s right, James just came out of the closet with a penis in his ass and we are so proud, even his mother who I still believe has a bigger dong then he does, micro-penis and all.

            Tonight I stand on the sidewalk near the Scottsdale mall and have terrible news to report. One of the beautiful people today was walking in her twelve inch stiletto whore pumps and ended up tripping on her tiny ass dog that everyone says they love, but in reality, they would love to punt that shit like a midget through the uprights of Candy Cane mountain where all midgets come from.

            Walking down the street and tripping on her rat on a leash, she fell forward, causing her fake breasts to explode out of her back and fly up up and away into the air as she twitched and kicked her final death twitches. Honestly my only regret is I didn’t get to bang her.

~James chimes in~ BRANDON! Can’t you be professional?! Oh My God, what the hell are you playing with?!

~Camera goes back to Brandon~ Oh, these? ~holds his hands up~ these are her fake boobers that flew up into the sky like two pigeons being set free to bring peace and love to the world!

~Back to James~ Seriously, that is evidence, you cannot be just playing with them like they are some Asian stress balls!

~Brandon chimes back in~ Hey, don’t get mad at me because your balls are to small to play with, and these are no longer implants, they are slitties!

~James~ Ugh, do I even want to know what a slittie is?

~Brandon~ A slittie is a slinky and a titty rolled into one. Watch, you can slink them down steps like so ~puts them on the steps as they slink down~ See!

~Brandon begins to sing~ Everyone loves a slittie, you all know you want a slittie, go slittie go!

~James~ As you can see, my partner is retarded and has zero respect for the deceased, as for me, I am a professional

~Brandon~ A professional Homo!

~James~ I cannot take this anymore! Brandon, you are an immature, waste of space and I cannot deal with this intolerance any longer!

~Brandon~ Look guy, I am sorry, I will put my slitties in my breast pocket and finish the report. Plus, I have something I’ve been wanting to tell you.

~James~ It better be that you are sorry!

~Brandon~ Yes, Yes, James, I am truly truly sorry for my immature humor and my antics and I hope you forgive me.

~James~ You know what? I accept your apology. Thank you!

~Brandon~ and James, one more thing.

~James~ Yes, good buddy?

~Brandon~ I am your father!

~James~ No you are not! I am older then you, that isn’t even possible!

~Brandon~ Oh it’s possible because your mom is a HO! And I banged her last night while waxing her upper lip and fondling her slitties!!!! ZING MOTHA FU (Camera Goes Black)

By: Kristian J. Hanson

            Thank you for tuning in tonight to K-U-M channel 15 at seven o’clock, this is James Christian. Another weird occurrence has happened tonight in Gilbert Arizona. At the fun loving gathering of Freestone Park two people were ripped from their bikes and dragged into the Freestone Park Lake. Going live right now, I pass it over to the albino rectal thermometer himself, Brandon Kyle, Brandon are you there?

            Yes you infected and twice pulled ass hair, I am here. Tonight is another grisly night of strange here in the sleepy Mormon town of Gilbert Arizona. According to an eyewitness, two Mormon missionaries were riding their bikes all howdy hum singing Joseph Smith loves you, loves me, or something like that past the lake when two giant testicles jumped out of the water and grabbed the young Mormons.

            James chimes in, wait, testicles? Don’t you mean tentacles?

Back to Brandon, yes I meant tentacles; testicles are what your whale of a wife cut off when you got married, thank you for falling into my trap you giant bottle of douche.

Anyway, the eyewitness would not allow us to question him and said he would appreciate if we did not inform everyone that Joseph Winnie called in the eyewitness report. I repeat we will not inform them that a Joseph Winnie called the report in of the Mormons being taken by a giant tentacle monster; there you go Joe, no problem.

Wait as you see behind me the Gilbert Fire Department has a crane and seems to have something big in the basket. Hey James isn’t this how you get your wife out of the house when you want her to put a restaurant out of business?

~Crane lifts giant Kraken looking monster out of the mini lake and places it on the ground as it flops around sucking for air~

As you can see the monster has been beached out of water like your mother did oh so many years ago when they tried to Free Willy but failed, and then she died. The Mormon boys seem to have been eaten but at least their bicycle wheels still spin in their honor like a never-ending mission to save those that need be saving. Also, I would like to report that with the rapture over I would like to name all toilets especially the one I just pooped in after Pastor Harold Camping, because like the toilet I dominated, it like he, are both full of shit, back to you James.

Camera pans back to James as he holds a picture of his hero Harold Camping and mutters words under his breath until the camera goes black.

By: Kristian J. Hanson

by Kristian J. Hanson and Scott Davenport        

            Thank you for tuning into this unfamiliar time spot of eleven pm. Another body was found today in the town of Chandler Arizona as a girl was found dead in her hotel room. With more information on this horrible news event, we go to the less then stellar reportings of one Brandon Kyle, Brandon?
            Thank you James, and as I always like to tell you, I have more talent in the tip of my penis then in your entire pathetic midget body.
            Tonight I stand in front of a broken down Motel that is usually used for sex and midget tossing. That is right; Chandler is the world leader in tossing midgets and trying to make human Kites. For those of you who do not know what a human kite is, they tie a string to a midget wearing a parachute and throw him into the sky hoping he catches wind and flies away like a winged monkey from the Wizard of Oz.
            Tonight, Esmeralda Torres or better known on the streets as “El Hotto” I guess that is Spanish for her spectacular moves within the sheets, was found dead today in the hotel room. At first I thought it was the work of the anti-hero the Baby Batter Killer, but this is a different M.O. all together.
            James chimes in, I bet you don’t even know what M.O. stands for you dumb bastard.
            Brandon without skipping a beat says, of course I do, it means Midget Oralfixation, meaning you love to blow little people, anyway, the prostitute was found dead in a way hard to explain but I will try.
            She was found lying on the bed as the top of her head had been punctured out like it had been made into a glory hole of sorts, however it does not look like the girl had been sexually skull raped at this time. From what they are telling me, she was found with a facial expression as if in the throws of orgasm when the top of her head imploded. The coroner is saying she was being orally pleased when the tongue shot up through her body crashing through her skull like the Kool aide man breaking through a wall, OOOH YA! Or OHHHH NO!?
            All I can say is this is just another horrible creature to come about for those fun loving oral givers around town. A new type of STD is in town girls, the Slobbering Tongue Death. Back to you future Midget Kite of America.
            Thank you Brandon Kyle for that riveting report on the STD killer as you so kindly put it. Stay tuned for more exciting WNBA basketball as the girls try to break the twenty point mark before the game ends.