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Welcome back to channel 15 K-U-M at seven o’clock and happy 4th of july to you all, I am James Christian. Tonight, I am sad to report that the Baby Batter Killer has struck once again, this time in a sleazy motel outside Mesa, Arizona. We go there live where Brandon Kyle the epitome of fail is waiting for us. Brandon, can you hear me?
~Brandon~ Yes James I can hear you and might I say that shit eating grin really highlights your face today especially with the brown marks from slurping your bosses ass flavored slurpee earlier in the evening. We are standing outside La Quinta Inn in Mesa, Arizona where a midget hooker by the name of Too Tall has been murdered. According to the Mesa P.D. there was video footage found and we will show you that now.
~Brandon hits play on the video~ As you can see, the midget is being spun like a helicopter atop the baby batter killers crank, which I can only imagine is turning his penis into a form of swizel stick or crazy straw. It looks like a real Tilt-A-Whirl in the bedroom but as you can tell, you cannot see his face as he is wearing a scarf across his face like a Jihadist raping a donkey and not wanting to be identified if caught.
~James~ Dude, seriously, we cannot be showing this on live television. Do you want to get me fired?!
~Brandon~ Why yes I do because then I could take your job and actually do it justice compared to your failures of bastardizing the position by sleeping with your boss who so happens to be your mom. Wait! Wait! This is the good part. With one final spin of the leg like a handle on a safe he blows his load and you see the acidic spooge of madness spray from her eyeballs like a fountain of blood and gore. You can also hear the baby batter killer scream “WELCOME TO THE THUNDER DOME BITCH”! Of course that is him just reciting lines from a movie, and again, no fingerprints were found at the crime scene and only thing we have going for us is the voice recognition of his amazing explosion and movie reciting.
~James~ A-Asshole, my mom is not the boss, my dad is, and B!
~Brandon~ So you had your dad’s ass slurpee today? I don’t know if that is worse then your moms, but whatever floats your boat and stays between the family.
~James~ NO NO NO NO NO NO you ambiguously gay herder of cock I do not sleep with my parents!
~~Brandon~ I never said you did, I just love to see you get all excited like this midget did when she thought she was going to fly to the second ball to the right and straight on to her pay day. Any way, from Channel 15 this is Brandon Kyle telling you all that if you see a guy who looks like that asshole on your screen named James, stay far far away like Neverland cuz he very well might finger your butt hole. I’m out!
~James~ I really wish you would just fall off the center of the F*CKING PLANET YOU ASSHOLED……
~James Mom&Dad~ James Monroe Christian, get off that television right now so I can wash your mouth out with soap!
~James~ Yes mom and dad I’m sorry.
~Brandon~ HAHA BITCH!!! (Screen Goes Black)

By: Kristian J. Hanson

This is James Christian chiming in from Channel 15 K-U-M at 9 at night. We come to you with grave news that a Werewolf attack has happened in the streets of Gilbert Arizona. We now go to the hairy ass beast who looks like his mom F*cked Big Foot for a corndog Brandon Kyle. Brandon is your dumbass there?

Yes James I am here and as always, you smell like a rotted fish and I wiped my ass with that hair piece on the top of your head. ~smiles big~ Tonight I stand here on the corner of Gilbert and Guadalupe, a corner James mom knows well seeing as how this is the whore corner she worked for so many years and was injected with the demon seed that is James Christian. Another call girl was killed tonight here by the name of Sylvia “Junk In The Trunk” Jennifer. She was obviously doing her duties when the werewolf raised his claws high into the air calling down the powers of Gray skull and injecting its nails into the top of her skull while parting the sea to eat her brains. She honestly did not stand a chance. All that is left is a vessel of what could have been, besides a buffet of brain tasting and hookerdom. I bow my head in a prayer for this young hooker and only wish I could have gotten a piece before she went because she was rather fine.

~James~ Hey! Show some respect man, she is dead for Christ’s sake!

~Brandon~ Hey I am showing respect, but look at that butt, it is rather nice and fluffy kind of like your face, you fat bastard.

~James~ I am not getting into this with you tonight!

~Brandon~ Ya that is what your wife tells you every night when you try to get some huh you fluffy ball of cotton candy.

~James~ My relationship with my mother I mean my wife has nothing to do with this!

~Brandon~ Wait, wait, did you just say your mother when we were discussing your wife? Is your wife also your mother? Do you hear the voices Norman…Does the Bates Motel need you back working the counter Norman? MOTHER IS TALKING TO YOU NORMAN!

~James~ I do not have to take this! I am leaving  (James unplugs and leaves)

~Brandon~ Yah, unplug and go away I can run the show. (changes voice to mock James) I am fat and worthless and named James. I sleep with my mother and screw sheep on the side as I play with my fake hairpiece and hope to get ass raped by a ravenous werewolf one day, rawr rawr rawr I am James. (Chuckles to himself) Alright other then the dead hooker on the corner whom I wish was A DEAD HOOKER IN A TRUNK the sleepy town of Gilbert Arizona is back to being the mormon run crap hole it always has been. Tune in next week for another exciting Breaking News Report on the K-U-M network. I am Brandon Kyle (changes voice to James) and I am a future Biggest Loser Contestant James Christian signing off.

By: Kristian J. Hanson

Welcome to Breaking News Report on Channel 15 the network that makes you K-U-M, my name is James Christian and this is the news now. Tonight in a small town of Casa Grande Arizona there has been an eye witness report and capture of a Chupacabra aka the Goat Sucker. For many of you who do not know the history it is believed to be an alien life form that sucks the life out of the creatures or as I call it, the Brandon Kyle since all he does is suck things like cock. We now go live to Brandon, Brandon are you there?

Yes James unlike your mother I will never leave you, but then again, you are a worthless piece of carnie poop so I’d probably abandon you on the side of a tilt a whirl too. Anyways, the chupacabra or as I call it The James Christian, cuz well, you blow goats and I have proof, has been captured. I am standing here next to Caley who has been with us one time before. She is like a carnie freak show magnet, first Big Foot, now this, whatever.

~Brandon~ Caley how did you catch it exactly?

~Caley~ Well, my cousin aka my husben decided to done move from dat trailer in Apache Junkchen cuz everyone kept trying to steal my man! No one steals my famlee from me especially my cuzin who done kisses me da best!

~Brandon~ That’s all nice and good, but how did you catch the Chupacabra? By the way I love the missing front tooth, its sweet.

~Caley~ Why dank ya, maybe when we done here I can show you my chupacabra if you know what I mean.

~Brandon~ I think I do and no I don’t want to. James likes freak shows with missing toofs though, so maybe we can invite him to meet your ummm chupacabra.

~James~ What was that?

~Brandon~ Nothing you worthless Helen Keller asshat, continue with your story.

~Caley~ So there I was sitting on my portable porch having some meth when I saw this creature dry humping the neighbor who was passed out from the meth lab explosion from his trailer. So I went and got my leash I use on my cousin for the sex and went behind it like my daddy used to do to me and then threw it around its neck and put it in the cage by my house that we put my son in when he is acting a fool with his sister in the bad no no area.

~Brandon~ Your family seems to have a lot of….love in it, I thank you for the interview and how you caught the…OWW! Mam, please do not pinch my ass.

~Caley~ That wasn’t me, it was the Chupacabra, it just sucked on your ass pipe

~Brandon~ Umm, wow, I am not going to live this dow…..

~James~ Not the first time you’ve had something with a penis suck your ass before huh you big flaming homosexual!

~Brandon~ I am officially done for the night, I need to go get a rabies shot like when James mother tried to sit on top of me and smother me like the fat ass mongoloid beast she is. Seriously, how did your daddy get her pregnant with you? Did he load up a super soaker 9000 and spray her from a distance! This is Brandon Kyle signing off!

~James~ Well, that was a pleasant interview with our locals from Casa Grande and the incest ways that go with it I guess. With Brandon gone I get the final word for once with his ass being sucked out like a slurpee in the hands of a gay guy in West Hollywood, I wish you all a goodnight from KUM channel 15.

~Brandon chimes in just before the screen goes black~ By the way James I F*cked your mom!

~James~ God DAH (Screen Goes Black)

By: Kristian J. Hanson

By Adam Damron  

Last night I finely did it I closed my eye and pulled the trigger. It seemed like a hours the bullet bounce around in my head  be for I fell to the floor and on down into the pits of Hell where I saw a man standing there waiting for me. At first I was thinking how can a mans eyes be so bright red when he lives in the darkest pits of Hell. Then it hit me right in the head much like the bullet did just moments ago. I was standing face too face with the devil in the flesh. He looked me in my eyes and said.

“What are you doing back here so soon?”

I said

“Back here? Hell this is my first time being here tell me what do you mean?”

He said

“ It was over 100 years ago when you first got here. You ask of me too make you one of my demons and so I did. Then you asked of me too put you back on earth too curse the world with more demons and so I did. Then you called out my name and got my help too show man how too make weapons or war and so I did. See I have helped you bring country’s to war, men to death, women too be raped, fathers and sons too fight, people too kill each other, and take there own lives. Much like you did tonight now the only thing I can do is too put you back  on earth to bring out more Hell.”

And with a snap ofhis fingers I was picking myself up off the floor and then I just knew I was damned too walk this earth……My own Hell for the rest of time.

 Let me know what you think of my story my Twitter is @DevilMan41501

Thank you for tuning in to another Breaking News report on Channel 15, your KUM network for news. Tonight we have another tragedy to report, but this time in the rich area of Scottsdale Arizona. I will go live to the in grown ass hair himself, Brandon Kyle, Brandon can you hear me?

            Yes James I can hear you loud and queer. That’s right, James just came out of the closet with a penis in his ass and we are so proud, even his mother who I still believe has a bigger dong then he does, micro-penis and all.

            Tonight I stand on the sidewalk near the Scottsdale mall and have terrible news to report. One of the beautiful people today was walking in her twelve inch stiletto whore pumps and ended up tripping on her tiny ass dog that everyone says they love, but in reality, they would love to punt that shit like a midget through the uprights of Candy Cane mountain where all midgets come from.

            Walking down the street and tripping on her rat on a leash, she fell forward, causing her fake breasts to explode out of her back and fly up up and away into the air as she twitched and kicked her final death twitches. Honestly my only regret is I didn’t get to bang her.

~James chimes in~ BRANDON! Can’t you be professional?! Oh My God, what the hell are you playing with?!

~Camera goes back to Brandon~ Oh, these? ~holds his hands up~ these are her fake boobers that flew up into the sky like two pigeons being set free to bring peace and love to the world!

~Back to James~ Seriously, that is evidence, you cannot be just playing with them like they are some Asian stress balls!

~Brandon chimes back in~ Hey, don’t get mad at me because your balls are to small to play with, and these are no longer implants, they are slitties!

~James~ Ugh, do I even want to know what a slittie is?

~Brandon~ A slittie is a slinky and a titty rolled into one. Watch, you can slink them down steps like so ~puts them on the steps as they slink down~ See!

~Brandon begins to sing~ Everyone loves a slittie, you all know you want a slittie, go slittie go!

~James~ As you can see, my partner is retarded and has zero respect for the deceased, as for me, I am a professional

~Brandon~ A professional Homo!

~James~ I cannot take this anymore! Brandon, you are an immature, waste of space and I cannot deal with this intolerance any longer!

~Brandon~ Look guy, I am sorry, I will put my slitties in my breast pocket and finish the report. Plus, I have something I’ve been wanting to tell you.

~James~ It better be that you are sorry!

~Brandon~ Yes, Yes, James, I am truly truly sorry for my immature humor and my antics and I hope you forgive me.

~James~ You know what? I accept your apology. Thank you!

~Brandon~ and James, one more thing.

~James~ Yes, good buddy?

~Brandon~ I am your father!

~James~ No you are not! I am older then you, that isn’t even possible!

~Brandon~ Oh it’s possible because your mom is a HO! And I banged her last night while waxing her upper lip and fondling her slitties!!!! ZING MOTHA FU (Camera Goes Black)

By: Kristian J. Hanson

Thank you for tuning in to K-U-M channel 15, my name is James Christian and this is your Breaking News Report at seven. Tonight, we go to a small Chinese restaurant outside Cooper and Warner that is under investigation for something so heinous, it’s like seeing Brandon’s girlfriend naked once again in a magazine of Gargantuan also known as the big girl magazine. We go live now to the future Biggest Loser Contestant plower himself, Brandon Kyle, are you there Brandon?

Yes I am here James, thank you for that amazing introduction and your just jealous because you have a micro penis that couldn’t pleasure a gummy bear.

I come to you live today from Mr. Wong’s House of Wok where from the outside it looks like a normal Asian cuisine place to eat, but inside he is holding what he calls a charity for the homeless. It is called: Kittens For Mittens. That’s right fellow Kummers, he skins poor little kittens to make mittens for the homeless people around the greater Phoenix area. Here now is Mr. Wong himself. Mr. Wong, is it true you use kittens for Mittens?

Dank yuh Brahndeen ahn yes we nee da kihtay no oldah den sis weeh orl! If da kihtay is ohler den sis weeh we use da kihtay to may swee ahn sowah pohr! Or as I carl eet, numbah thirteehn on dah meenyu. Now, dah kihtay we yoo for da mihten ahr yun cuz der fur is soff and da hormress asshorls love how iht feerl on der hahns. So prees breen kihten fo mihten or nuhmbah thirtee spechel so da hohrmress cahn be hahpee!

~Police walk up to Mr. Wong~ Sir you are under arrest for the inhumane treatment of animals and you were reported by PETA among other people who have heard of your treacherous acts.

Ahh FUH YOO PEEHA! You no RISSEN, iht foh gooh coz! Cohm Cohm I gihv yoo numbah ehreven!

Brandon asks” What ees numbah ehreven mista wong?”

Mr. Wong Replies “Smarh ass! Numbah ehreven ss Fry Rye ahn Chicken Chow Mayn aka stray poohruhl dohg I fine behine mohrmun church!

~The Police put Mr. Wong in the police car and take him away to the Gilbert Police Station~

~Panning back to Brandon~ As Mr. Wong is shipped to jail I suggest James’ mom steps up to the plate and donates to Kittens for Mittens since her chest is so damn hairy it looks like a fuzzy ass Furby begging for a Cracker or whatever the hell those down syndrome looking birds eat. Back to you Bitch Tits in the studio!

~James Looks at the screen~ Oh my mom has a hairy chest? Well, your mom has, well….

~Brandon comes back in~ Yah that’s what I thought, shut it douche~

~Screen goes black on another news day~

By: Kristian J. Hanson

            Thank you for tuning in tonight to K-U-M channel 15 at seven o’clock, this is James Christian. Another weird occurrence has happened tonight in Gilbert Arizona. At the fun loving gathering of Freestone Park two people were ripped from their bikes and dragged into the Freestone Park Lake. Going live right now, I pass it over to the albino rectal thermometer himself, Brandon Kyle, Brandon are you there?

            Yes you infected and twice pulled ass hair, I am here. Tonight is another grisly night of strange here in the sleepy Mormon town of Gilbert Arizona. According to an eyewitness, two Mormon missionaries were riding their bikes all howdy hum singing Joseph Smith loves you, loves me, or something like that past the lake when two giant testicles jumped out of the water and grabbed the young Mormons.

            James chimes in, wait, testicles? Don’t you mean tentacles?

Back to Brandon, yes I meant tentacles; testicles are what your whale of a wife cut off when you got married, thank you for falling into my trap you giant bottle of douche.

Anyway, the eyewitness would not allow us to question him and said he would appreciate if we did not inform everyone that Joseph Winnie called in the eyewitness report. I repeat we will not inform them that a Joseph Winnie called the report in of the Mormons being taken by a giant tentacle monster; there you go Joe, no problem.

Wait as you see behind me the Gilbert Fire Department has a crane and seems to have something big in the basket. Hey James isn’t this how you get your wife out of the house when you want her to put a restaurant out of business?

~Crane lifts giant Kraken looking monster out of the mini lake and places it on the ground as it flops around sucking for air~

As you can see the monster has been beached out of water like your mother did oh so many years ago when they tried to Free Willy but failed, and then she died. The Mormon boys seem to have been eaten but at least their bicycle wheels still spin in their honor like a never-ending mission to save those that need be saving. Also, I would like to report that with the rapture over I would like to name all toilets especially the one I just pooped in after Pastor Harold Camping, because like the toilet I dominated, it like he, are both full of shit, back to you James.

Camera pans back to James as he holds a picture of his hero Harold Camping and mutters words under his breath until the camera goes black.

By: Kristian J. Hanson

by Kristian J. Hanson and Scott Davenport        

            Thank you for tuning into this unfamiliar time spot of eleven pm. Another body was found today in the town of Chandler Arizona as a girl was found dead in her hotel room. With more information on this horrible news event, we go to the less then stellar reportings of one Brandon Kyle, Brandon?
            Thank you James, and as I always like to tell you, I have more talent in the tip of my penis then in your entire pathetic midget body.
            Tonight I stand in front of a broken down Motel that is usually used for sex and midget tossing. That is right; Chandler is the world leader in tossing midgets and trying to make human Kites. For those of you who do not know what a human kite is, they tie a string to a midget wearing a parachute and throw him into the sky hoping he catches wind and flies away like a winged monkey from the Wizard of Oz.
            Tonight, Esmeralda Torres or better known on the streets as “El Hotto” I guess that is Spanish for her spectacular moves within the sheets, was found dead today in the hotel room. At first I thought it was the work of the anti-hero the Baby Batter Killer, but this is a different M.O. all together.
            James chimes in, I bet you don’t even know what M.O. stands for you dumb bastard.
            Brandon without skipping a beat says, of course I do, it means Midget Oralfixation, meaning you love to blow little people, anyway, the prostitute was found dead in a way hard to explain but I will try.
            She was found lying on the bed as the top of her head had been punctured out like it had been made into a glory hole of sorts, however it does not look like the girl had been sexually skull raped at this time. From what they are telling me, she was found with a facial expression as if in the throws of orgasm when the top of her head imploded. The coroner is saying she was being orally pleased when the tongue shot up through her body crashing through her skull like the Kool aide man breaking through a wall, OOOH YA! Or OHHHH NO!?
            All I can say is this is just another horrible creature to come about for those fun loving oral givers around town. A new type of STD is in town girls, the Slobbering Tongue Death. Back to you future Midget Kite of America.
            Thank you Brandon Kyle for that riveting report on the STD killer as you so kindly put it. Stay tuned for more exciting WNBA basketball as the girls try to break the twenty point mark before the game ends.

Breaking news report there is word that zombie poop has taken over a toilet bowl in a Mexican restaurant. It is said that the rapture would happen at six pm today, but no official time zone was stated. Using Brandon’s mom as a sun dial since she is so damn fat, I would say it is nearly five in the evening here in Arizona. Maybe the Pastor got his times wrong, either way, we now go to Brandon Kyle live at Riva’s Mexican Restaurant in Gilbert.  Brandon…

Thanks u fecal matter eating pussbag, as u can see here I am in a bathroom and it smells like your hairpiece, vomit and ass. Inside that toilet you can hear the swooshing of water and the screams of zombie poop wanting more poop. They obviously eat their own and are poopibals. That is like Cannibals but eat their own poop like James’s retarded father.

You know what, hold on, move!! ~Brandon walks over to the toilet and looks inside the bowl~ The poop stare up at him and gives him the stink eye while screaming, “SHIT, POOP, FECES! IN OUR MOUTH NUM NUM NUM”

~Brandon looks up at the camera~ Damn James, this sounds like your sister at the German Shiza video awards, ~Brandon reaches over and flushes the toilet~ Staring into the bowl you see the poop swirl as you hear loud screams and one piece of poop scream “Weeeeeeeeee! We goin to DihneeLahn” He must be the retarded one…Brandon looks back up at the camera and says “With your family dead and now flushed down the crapper no rapture in sight, this Mexican place is safe again to blow out more rectums, back to you Shitty Mcshitterton.

The camera splices back to James and then goes black. 

By: Kristian J. Hanson

My parent’s house is haunted, but not all the time, it’s an occasional haunting…it’s an old. During Christmas break I was up late, nearly midnight I guess but that doesn’t matter, what does matter is that I was the only human still downstairs.

I went to the bathroom to get ready for bed and heard someone walk down the stairs. It’s common for my mom to come down after she and dad have gone to bed to get a pill she forgot or to tell me to go to bed. I paused what I was doing, waiting for her to say something but nothing ever happened. I finished taking my make up off and went up to bed. My parents were still awake.

Now, when I’m up last in the house and I go to the bathroom to get ready for bed I do it as quickly as possible because, honestly I get the feeling that I’m being watched from above almost every time…and the bathroom has a big mirror, which I hate. My sister gets the same feeling.

So by the time I went upstairs and realized mom was still up I decided to go to bed and investigate in the morning, having realized what had happened but also wanting no definite proof in hopes that I’d be able to sleep that night. I managed and in the morning no one in the house said they’d gone downstairs or heard anyone go downstairs- which is impossible you have to pass between all the rooms upstairs to go down the staircase and the stairs are 50 plus years and squeaky hardwood…they would have heard the footsteps if they were made by a live human.

By Ashley Mcknight